Not Kissing Joey, with commentary

[amedia]

For kyleen66, with kissies!

The story without commentary may be found here.



Title: Not Kissing Joey
Author Amedia
Fandom: Friends

This was written in 2005, during a long dry spell in which I wrote very little. Beth Arganbright*, one of my Ratty friends, dressed me down at REVELcon that year for writing anything other than Rat Patrol. But I was happy just to be writing anything at all!

*(If Beth wasn't scolding you, she didn't love you. She scolded me a lot. I miss her very much.)

Genre: Slash
Pairing: Joey/Chandler

There's a very nice essay here on the Awesome Slashiness of Joey and Chandler.

Rating: PG-13 for detailed kissing lessons
Summary: Chandler is not kissing Joey.

One of Chandler's most interesting characteristics in my mind is the way he can be totally in denial about something that's undeniably true.

Archived: http://fanfic.tv/amedia (in the next day or two)
Permission to archive elsewhere: Please ask first
Feedback welcome



"You're home early," Chandler slurred, squinting at Joey over the open door of the refrigerator.

It seems that a lot of their best (by which I mean, slashiest) scenes in the series take place in or near the kitchen, so that's where I set this one.

"So are you. Earlier, even. 'Cause I'm home early, but you're already here." Joey beamed, looking pleased with his own cleverness; he appeared slightly less inebriated than Chandler, but equally disappointed. "Any beer in there?"

"Uh huh." Chandler handed him a cold bottle and took one for himself. They stood in the kitchen for a while, just concentrating on opening the beers, not saying anything.

Joey broke the silence first with a sudden outburst. "She said I had the IQ of a toaster oven!"

Chandler patted his shoulder. "That's an improvement, isn't it? That girl who dumped you last week said you had the IQ of a toaster."

Joey brightened. "That's right!"

"So you're moving rapidly up the appliance chain. Next week I bet you'll be a Radarange."

Self-indulgence here. This was one of my favorite exchanges.

"Thanks, man." Joey took a swig of his drink. "What about you? What happened to your date?"

Chandler took a long drink from his beer. He didn't want to answer; the girl's words had said cut him to the quick. But this was Joey. Chandler had a certain respect for Joey's emotional transparency;

Chandler's obviously a lot smarter than Joey, but Joey seems to be a lot more at home with his own feelings and in his own skin. Sort of IQ vs. EQ.

Joey generally didn't hide things from Chandler, mostly because he couldn't
hide anything from anybody, and Chandler didn't like to hide things from him.

Watching the series, Chandler seems to be the most comfortable being himself when he's around Joey. I think Chandler and Monica have a very funny dynamic, but I don't think Chandler feels free to be himself around her the way he does with Joey.

"She said I was a boring kisser," Chandler finally admitted.

Joey grinned. "Now there's a problem I've never had," he said with a happy and artless confidence that should have been annoying. Chandler found it endearing instead. Joey was dangerous that way.

Chandler really puts up with a lot from Joey, obviously because they are madly in love or at least lust Chandler's grateful that Joey puts up with him.

"Hey, why don't you show me how you kissed her, and maybe I can give you some pointers."

Chandler stared at him. "Are we that drunk?"

"Yeah, I think so," Joey said with a shrug. "Besides, you're my friend, I wanna help you."

Joey and Chandler have absolutely no sense of personal space. If you don't believe me, look here. With regard to the previous comment on kitchens, let me point out that, in the screencaps, Chandler is sitting on the kitchen counter.

Well, as long as he's doing this to help me get girls, thought Chandler. He took hold of Joey by the shoulders, leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. He might ordinarily have found the experience either unsettling or arousing, but he just kept thinking to himself over and over, I'm not kissing Joey. I'm showing him how I kiss.

I really do see Chandler as having an astonishing capacity for denial.

When they broke apart, Joey looked thoughtful. "That wasn't bad," he finally said.

"Not bad?" said Chandler. "Not bad!" He tried the words out with varying expressions. "NOT bad. Not BAD. Hey, there's a shred of my ego left over there somewhere. Be sure you stomp on that piece, too."

"I'm sorry," Joey said sincerely. "I just mean...." he trailed off as if he couldn't put his thoughts into words. Chandler was used to that, and waited.

Joey's face went through some interesting convolutions as he struggled with the difficulty of expressing his ideas, then lit up as he clearly reached a breakthrough. "Tell you what. Let the T-man show you a trick or two."

Chandler started to say, "Let WHO do WHAT?" but Joey had put his hands on the side of Chandler's face and backed him up against the refrigerator, and was kissing him with such intensity that the most Chandler's overwhelmed consciousness could come up with was a little voice in the back of his head wondering whether "intensity" was the right word or whether "ferocity" would be more accurate.

The unusual length of the sentence is intended to mirror the onslaught on Chandler's consciousness.

Joey wasn't kissing me. He was showing me how he kisses.

Joey was grinning at Chandler's reaction. "Hey hey? You see what I mean?" he said proudly.

Chandler stared at him. "That was...." He tried reformulating the sentence half-a-dozen times in his head and finally gave up. "Wow. How'd you do that?" Now that his heart had stopped pounding, it was quiet enough in his head to notice details. He raised a hand to his mouth. "Are my lips buzzing?"

Joey nodded. "It's that special Trebbiani touch, man. I learned it from one of the De Luca twins in high school." He drifted briefly into reminiscence. "I could never tell them apart with my eyes open."

One of the great lines from the show: Joey didn't read Lord of the Rings in high school - he had SEX in high school. And of course, Joey doesn't see any problem talking about girls while he's kissing a guy. He's uncomplicated like that.

Chandler waited a moment, watching Joey smile, and then began tapping his finger on the countertop. "Ahem."

"Oh, sorry, man! Anyway, you kinda hum without making any noise."

"You mean, subvocalize?"

"If it makes you feel better to say it in Latin, go right ahead," Joey said with a gracious wave. "Yeah, anyway, it makes your lips vibrate. Here, you try it."

I dated a guy once - I mean, literally one time - who did something like that when he kissed. I'd forgotten all about that until I started writing this story and realized Joey needed something to teach Chandler, so I threw that in.

Still not kissing Joey, Chandler thought as he leaned forward again and tried to follow the instructions he'd been given. When he let Joey go, he got a big smile this time.

"There, you see?" Joey said proudly. "That was great."

Chandler felt an idiotic grin creeping over his face and tried to squelch it, but he was either too drunk or too happy.

"Next lesson," Joey continued, "is--"

"Next lesson?" Chandler interrupted. What have I gotten myself into?

"Hey, I got some brand loyalty here to consider. You use the T-man's techniques, you gotta make the T-man look good!"

"Whatever happened to 'That was great'?" Chandler glared at the floor, working up a good sulk.

"That was great! A great beginning. But you wanna go on from there, right?" Joey chucked Chandler under the chin, bringing his face up. "Right?"

"Yeah, right," Chandler agreed. Joey's enthusiasm was not quite contagious, but it did make him hard to resist.

I wasn't quite happy with that last sentence, but I got tired of tinkering with it. Joey has a great way with sulky!Chandler on the series that I was trying to capture.

"Look, here's the next hurdle. When you start to go French with this, you're going to lose the vibration, 'cause you can't hum with your mouth open. You with me?"

"Yeah, I see what you mean."

"So you what you need to do is add something else to kinda smooth the transition. It doesn't have to be anything in particular. Just something nice." And without further warning, Joey kissed him again.

It wasn't quite as ferocious this time, and Chandler had almost gotten enough of consciousness back that he could tell himself we aren't actually kissing, it's a just a lesson, when he felt Joey's hands moving up inside his shirt, against his bare back. Chandler was reasonably sure that the back wasn't an erogenous zone, so he couldn't explain the electric tingle that seemed to accompany the warmth of Joey's touch. Then he abruptly realized that Joey's tongue was in his mouth. Am I supposed to be freaking out now? he asked himself. Yeah, probably. But he was enjoying the sensation far too much to object.

Joey pulled back and regarded Chandler carefully. Chandler responded with all the detachment he could muster. "Ah, yes, I see what you mean," he said, as if Joey had just demonstrated a new facet of double-entry bookkeeping.

Bad analogy he said to himself, immediately banning all words such as "double-entry" from his interior vocabulary.

Self-indulgence again: I was especially proud of that line.

"Okay, you show me," Joey said, looking genuinely pleased.

It was on the tip of Chandler's tongue to say, No thanks, I got it, and make a dash for his room. Either his pride or his curiosity got in the way, though, and he found himself with his lips on Joey's again and his hands on Joey's shoulders. He concentrated on not-quite-humming until he felt it was time for a transition. He moved his hands up Joey's neck and buried them in Joey's hair, simultaneously opening his lips and plunging his tongue into Joey's mouth with sudden abandon. I have always wanted to do this, he admitted to himself, running his fingers through Joey's silky hair, lost in sensation.

Joey's haircut during the first season or two really did look particularly finger-running-through-able.

Then another part of his mind insisted, Don't forget, you're not kissing Joey--

Oh, shut up, he told that part of his mind as he slowly withdrew and looked into Joey's eyes.

See, here's a big breakthrough where Chandler finally abandons his denial...

This time it was Joey who was gasping for breath and trying to refocus. Joey made a visible effort to collect himself and finally said, "What'd I tell you?"

"Not bad?" Chandler asked hopefully.

Joey laughed. "You--" he said, lightly poking Chandler's chest with a finger, "could get anyone to sleep with you if you kissed 'em like that."

"Anyone?" Chandler asked, not daring to add, even you?

"Anyone," Joey said firmly.

They stared at each other for a long moment. This is the time, Chandler thought to himself, but he couldn't bring himself to make a move.

abandons his denial ... and takes refuge in cowardice. I didn't want to fix him too fast.

Finally he cleared his throat and said, "Thanks, man. I mean, really."

"Anytime," Joey said, and turned toward the living room.

The time was almost past, and Chandler finally unfroze.

Then again, I didn't want to leave him dangling, either. So to speak.

He reached for Joey's arm and turned him back around. "Hey, T-man," he said, pulling Joey closer, "how you doing?"

And then he really was kissing Joey.

Comments

[kyleen66.livejournal.com]

What I liked about this story is its believability. A lot of fanfic just isn't. I also appreciate your use of prose and Chandler's internal dialog.

It was difficult for me to pick a story because, as you know, I hardly watch any television. I've probably only caught one episode of friends in my life. (Yeah, I know it's hard to believe).

I enjoyed your comments! Thank you! And big wet sloppy kissies back!

[usedusername.livejournal.com]

I agree with kyleen66's comments on this story as per its believability and in-characterness.

I love the story and your commentary on it is fantastic. :)