What a difference a beta makes, #5

[amedia]

Worlds Away went through four drafts; the first draft was a bit more raw and glitchy than usual, but TODS didn't raise Cain about it. ;-)

Part 1: In the first draft, Cain waited to kiss Ambrose until they had gotten just out of sight of the guards. But later, in Part 3, it's common knowledge that Cain and Ambrose are together. TODS suggested, therefore, that Cain should go ahead and kiss him in full view of the guards, partly because that's what he would do anyway, partly to suggest that something might be unusual here. It's not actually a clue, per se, that this is an alternate universe because the audience doesn't know at this point that Ambrose and Cain aren't together in Ambrose's own dimension.

Part 2: Ambrose and his pesky hat gave me a lot of trouble. (He needed a reason to leave it on to delay the revelation of the zipper.) I originally had him leave all his cold-weather gear on because he was just so darned cold, but TODS pointed out that he wouldn't do that indoors in the presence of the Queen, and it would block the heat of the fire and actually keep him colder, anyway. It was TODS' idea to have the Queen arrange for someone to start the fire and then tell Ambrose to keep his fuzzy stuff (gloves, hat, scarf) on until he got warmed up. I was initially thinking that wouldn't work because the Queen could start a fire instantaneously herself, but then, I reasoned, Ambrose wouldn't know that because *his* Queen has lost her magic, plus no one would ask *this* Queen to use her magic for so menial a task. I was picturing this Queen as pretty stuffy, since she hasn't spent the last ten years or so in a terrarium.

The whole explanation of the Antique Aithera Mechanism underwent a number of significant revisions; I knew what I meant, but it was hard putting it together for a reader to understand, and TODS' help was invaluable.

Also, Tutor is first mentioned in this part. Tutor didn't appear at all in the first draft, which is, as DG would say, weird. (I just sort of forgot him.) When TODS suggested putting him into Part 5, I realized I'd better mention him earlier.

Part 3: Sleepy Cain nuzzling Ambrose's neck... that was TODS' idea. (I had something different and less sexy in mind, but once TODS made that suggestion I pounced. On the suggestion, I mean.)

Part 4: This was one of the more polished sections to begin with and probably had the fewest changes overall. Funny thing is, this just started as what I think of as gristle: I had written the fun scenes, now it was time to provide a bridge from the night before to the morning meeting with Raw. Then DG bounced in and ideas just flowed the way they do sometimes, and it wound up being one of my favorite sections.

Part 5: This conversation originally just involved Ambrose and Raw, so all that technobabble was delivered by Raw. TODS suggested that Tutor really ought to be there, as the expert on magic; it seemed odd that he wasn't. Adding him to the scene also allowed Raw to sound more Raw-like, since I could give Tutor the technobabble lines to say, and Raw would have simpler sentences (although his sentences were still more grammatically complete than those of Raw in our universe).

TODS' favorite line (which was in the first draft) came here. He [Ambrose] had already met too many strangers wearing the faces of his friends.

Part 6: Not a lot of changes here. TODS said some very nice things about the parallels between part 6 and part 1, and helped me go through to make sure things lined up the way I wanted them to.

Comments

[lionille.livejournal.com]

the first draft was a bit more raw and glitchy than usual, but TODS didn't raise Cain about it.
Hee! :D

I enjoyed this, it's always interesting to peek behind the curtain, so to speak, and see the reasoning that went into the various decisions. It's amazing how much thought and care can go into the simplest of moments.

[amedia.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how much thought and care can go into the simplest of moments.

That's so true! *applauds*

[chorale.livejournal.com]

I was one of the audience that didn't know that Ambrose and Cain weren't together yet in our dimension, and I was confused. Our private chat cleared that up, however.

Re: TODS suggestion of Tutor; Putting in Tutor helped make the setting complete for me, personally. I don't recall seeing him in the fics I was reading here on LJ.

He had already met too many strangers wearing the faces of his friends was a brilliant line. It described perfectly the feelings of dislocation Ambrose must have had, and said it economically, too.

Yaay for TODS, the Man Behind the Curtain! (Yaay to you for working with him!)

[amedia.livejournal.com]

Thank you kindly!

I tend to put Tutor in when I'm writing a longer story that involves magic (e.g. The Key (http://amedia.livejournal.com/176164.html) or Heart and Soul (http://amedia.livejournal.com/102681.html), but not so much in the shorter pieces, which usually focus on just a few characters. I haven't seen a lot of stories that focus specifically on him, although I remember a gen one that gave him an extra layer of background that was very interesting. I think it was by allronix1. If I can remember where I saw it, I'll post a link!

ETA: Found it! It's shorter than I remembered, but packs a punch: http://community.livejournal.com/tinman100/37563.html (http://community.livejournal.com/tinman100/37563.html)