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amediaStory title: Missed Chance link to fic on AO3
Author: Amedia
Rating: Very Spicy (briefly)
Fandom: Rat Patrol
Characters: Jack Moffitt, Sam Troy, Original Male Colonel
Ship: Moffitt/Troy/Dietrich
Summary: Troy and Moffitt run into complications trying to arrange for Dietrich to get his birthday off.
Word Count: 937
Author's note: Part of this year's Spicy Advent Calendar collection (Day 23). This one wasn't written to a prompt--it just popped into my head when TODS suggested I should write a spicy Rat Patrol fic for the calendar.
The colonel in charge of scheduling leave for the Wehrmacht officers in Dietrich's area took his job very seriously, often to the point of making huge color-coded charts and pitching tantrums if a single one of his colored pencils went missing. He had overheard his superiors mention that he wasn't much good for warfare, or any other kinds of interactions, really, but he was a genius with paperwork, and he was happy with the recognition.
As much as he enjoyed working out timetables, the schedule he was putting together for the next three months had already been erased and rewritten so many times, he could very nearly see the table through the paper, and the sleeves over his forearms were smudged with several different pencil colors. "I would almost be grateful," he muttered, "if the Rat Patrol would come and capture me so I would have an excuse to take a break!"
A crisp voice answered him in German, "Never let it be said that we were anything but helpful," and he looked up at the open tent flap to see a tall British soldier holding a gun on him.
"I take it back," said the colonel, but the gun didn't waver. He sighed, set down his pencil (a green one, at the moment), and put his hands in the air. The British soldier gestured to someone outside, and edged warily into the tent.
"Your sidearm, please," he said politely, and the colonel sighed and handed it over, then put his hands back in the air.
"No, it's all right, you can put them back down now," the man said in a surprisingly kind voice. He switched to English as another man came in. "Here's our man, Troy."
"He looks harmless," said Troy.
"Not if your requested vacation time overlaps that of someone higher-ranking," said Moffitt. "I imagine he's ruthless on that point." The colonel nodded proudly, pleased to have his authority properly acknowledged. "Aaaand—he understands English."
"Good," said Troy. He put his hands on the table, carefully avoiding the timetable, and spoke in a firm voice. "I need you to grant Captain Hans Dietrich a single day of vacation on this date." He handed the man a card with a single date written on it.
The colonel looked skeptical. "Why?"
"It's his birthday," Moffitt put in helpfully.
"I fail to see why the Rat Patrol would be interested—oh, wait." The colonel smiled suddenly. "You two are not here as representatives of the Rat Patrol, are you? You are his ... special friends."
Troy and Moffitt looked at each other, clearly alarmed.
The colonel made a calming gesture. "I hear a lot of things. I put a lot of things together, a little bit from here, a little bit from there. Not just this schedule." He shrugged. "But nobody else puts them together. I tell nobody. I keep all the secrets to myself."
Moffitt smiled. "That feels good, doesn't it? To know something nobody else knows."
"Yes! You understand!" exclaimed the colonel happily. "I imagine you two would like to borrow him for an entire day of debauchery."
"We would," said Troy with a nod.
"We'd consider it a very great favor," added Moffitt.
The colonel looked over the schedule, running one finger across and one down until he landed on the correct date. "It would require a great deal of juggling," he said, as if he were scolding an unruly clerk, rather than defying an enemy at gunpoint. "It's too much trouble."
Moffitt and Troy looked at each other again. "What if we offered you some little bit of information?" asked Troy.
"It would be your secret. No one else would know," said Moffitt.
The colonel's eyes lit up. "What sort of information?" he asked.
Troy leaned in. "We know exactly what sexual activities Hans Dietrich likes best."
"Ohhhh," said the colonel. Then he thought for a moment. "Aren't you afraid I'd use it to blackmail him?"
"Well, if you did that," said Moffitt, "it wouldn't be your secret any more, would it?"
The colonel put his finger beside his nose and winked at Moffitt. "Quite correct, young man," he said. He turned back to Troy. "We have a deal." He took a blue pencil and made a note on that specified date, then sighed and took up his eraser to rearrange other parts of the schedule to make the special request work. "The rescheduling will take time, but I give my word that it will be done. So ... tell me the answer!"
Moffitt and Troy spoke immediately, both at the same time.
"What he likes best is having one person behind him, yanking his collar down and biting his shoulder, while the other one stands in front of him and very slowly unbuckles his belt," said Troy.
"His favorite moment is having his testicles licked by one person while he performs fellatio on another," said Moffitt.
Then they both stared at each other and said, "WHAT?!"
The colonel laughed. "This is wonderful! See, now I have two little bits, and I put them together, and what they tell me is ... you two don't know our Hauptmann Dietrich as well as you think you do." He bent down over the schedule with his eraser in one hand and a purple pencil in the other, then looked up again. "This is going to be a very interesting birthday celebration."
"C'mon, Moffitt," said Troy uneasily. "Let's shake it."
As they left the tent, they could hear the colonel muttering to himself. "So the two of them like to shake it, do they? A very interesting birthday indeed."
Author: Amedia
Rating: Very Spicy (briefly)
Fandom: Rat Patrol
Characters: Jack Moffitt, Sam Troy, Original Male Colonel
Ship: Moffitt/Troy/Dietrich
Summary: Troy and Moffitt run into complications trying to arrange for Dietrich to get his birthday off.
Word Count: 937
Author's note: Part of this year's Spicy Advent Calendar collection (Day 23). This one wasn't written to a prompt--it just popped into my head when TODS suggested I should write a spicy Rat Patrol fic for the calendar.
The colonel in charge of scheduling leave for the Wehrmacht officers in Dietrich's area took his job very seriously, often to the point of making huge color-coded charts and pitching tantrums if a single one of his colored pencils went missing. He had overheard his superiors mention that he wasn't much good for warfare, or any other kinds of interactions, really, but he was a genius with paperwork, and he was happy with the recognition.
As much as he enjoyed working out timetables, the schedule he was putting together for the next three months had already been erased and rewritten so many times, he could very nearly see the table through the paper, and the sleeves over his forearms were smudged with several different pencil colors. "I would almost be grateful," he muttered, "if the Rat Patrol would come and capture me so I would have an excuse to take a break!"
A crisp voice answered him in German, "Never let it be said that we were anything but helpful," and he looked up at the open tent flap to see a tall British soldier holding a gun on him.
"I take it back," said the colonel, but the gun didn't waver. He sighed, set down his pencil (a green one, at the moment), and put his hands in the air. The British soldier gestured to someone outside, and edged warily into the tent.
"Your sidearm, please," he said politely, and the colonel sighed and handed it over, then put his hands back in the air.
"No, it's all right, you can put them back down now," the man said in a surprisingly kind voice. He switched to English as another man came in. "Here's our man, Troy."
"He looks harmless," said Troy.
"Not if your requested vacation time overlaps that of someone higher-ranking," said Moffitt. "I imagine he's ruthless on that point." The colonel nodded proudly, pleased to have his authority properly acknowledged. "Aaaand—he understands English."
"Good," said Troy. He put his hands on the table, carefully avoiding the timetable, and spoke in a firm voice. "I need you to grant Captain Hans Dietrich a single day of vacation on this date." He handed the man a card with a single date written on it.
The colonel looked skeptical. "Why?"
"It's his birthday," Moffitt put in helpfully.
"I fail to see why the Rat Patrol would be interested—oh, wait." The colonel smiled suddenly. "You two are not here as representatives of the Rat Patrol, are you? You are his ... special friends."
Troy and Moffitt looked at each other, clearly alarmed.
The colonel made a calming gesture. "I hear a lot of things. I put a lot of things together, a little bit from here, a little bit from there. Not just this schedule." He shrugged. "But nobody else puts them together. I tell nobody. I keep all the secrets to myself."
Moffitt smiled. "That feels good, doesn't it? To know something nobody else knows."
"Yes! You understand!" exclaimed the colonel happily. "I imagine you two would like to borrow him for an entire day of debauchery."
"We would," said Troy with a nod.
"We'd consider it a very great favor," added Moffitt.
The colonel looked over the schedule, running one finger across and one down until he landed on the correct date. "It would require a great deal of juggling," he said, as if he were scolding an unruly clerk, rather than defying an enemy at gunpoint. "It's too much trouble."
Moffitt and Troy looked at each other again. "What if we offered you some little bit of information?" asked Troy.
"It would be your secret. No one else would know," said Moffitt.
The colonel's eyes lit up. "What sort of information?" he asked.
Troy leaned in. "We know exactly what sexual activities Hans Dietrich likes best."
"Ohhhh," said the colonel. Then he thought for a moment. "Aren't you afraid I'd use it to blackmail him?"
"Well, if you did that," said Moffitt, "it wouldn't be your secret any more, would it?"
The colonel put his finger beside his nose and winked at Moffitt. "Quite correct, young man," he said. He turned back to Troy. "We have a deal." He took a blue pencil and made a note on that specified date, then sighed and took up his eraser to rearrange other parts of the schedule to make the special request work. "The rescheduling will take time, but I give my word that it will be done. So ... tell me the answer!"
Moffitt and Troy spoke immediately, both at the same time.
"What he likes best is having one person behind him, yanking his collar down and biting his shoulder, while the other one stands in front of him and very slowly unbuckles his belt," said Troy.
"His favorite moment is having his testicles licked by one person while he performs fellatio on another," said Moffitt.
Then they both stared at each other and said, "WHAT?!"
The colonel laughed. "This is wonderful! See, now I have two little bits, and I put them together, and what they tell me is ... you two don't know our Hauptmann Dietrich as well as you think you do." He bent down over the schedule with his eraser in one hand and a purple pencil in the other, then looked up again. "This is going to be a very interesting birthday celebration."
"C'mon, Moffitt," said Troy uneasily. "Let's shake it."
As they left the tent, they could hear the colonel muttering to himself. "So the two of them like to shake it, do they? A very interesting birthday indeed."
